Someone very close to me decided to write down what she was going trough in order to understand what’s going on in her life. She was kind enough to share it with me and I am very humbled and grateful for her trust. She’s not a writer so she asked me if I could help her editing so she could publish it. I am very structured when I write and I have a very distinguished style. English is not our first language but we consume a lot of books, songs, movies and tv series in english, so we both sometimes feel like we can better express ourselves in english.
I won’t lie, I had a hard time editing her text because she wrote it in a very coloquial way and I am used to structure. I am used to essays and articles. I might have failed to edit it properly but I think the message is clear and powerful. This is a story about a woman that was brave enough to say “this needs to stop and I need to change”.
I think we all can relate to it even if we have never gone through the same things that she went through because, in the end, we all have reached that point where we realize that we need to take control of our lives and hold ourselves accountable of our own mistakes.
This is her story:
I am not a writer and I have never thought of sharing something like this. I was one of those people who think everyone has issues, so why let other people read more drama about other people’s life? Well, suddenly I felt something inside that made me want to write and then – why the hell not? – share my own drama with others. I mean, every time I talk about my drama I laugh, so let’s make other people laugh about my shitty and – yes – cliché love life. Because let’s be honest people, everyone wants to find love, fall in love, read about love and above all, learn the truth about love.
All this writing started – believe it or not – after I saw Taylor Swift’s video “I knew you were trouble” weeks ago. Yeah, I know that this song was from 2012 or something but who cares . I never would have thought that this video introduction could, in a way, change how I was living my life.
“ I think when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories; it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did ― it was the feeling that came along with it. Crazy thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, ‘How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?’ Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him. It was losing me.”
– Taylor Swift
So here’s how it goes.
Chapter 1. The revelation.
One day I was talking to a friend about my love drama, wondering why everything happens to me. Yes, it was that same story that almost every woman on earth tells her friends when things go wrong. Then she said “Girl, honestly, everything happens to you… and I am so glad you make fun of yourself while talking about it. I mean, your life is literally a romantic comedy”. I did not find that funny at all. That’s when I had a revelation. My face turned into a WTF face, and I replied “What? I hate those movies! Please tell me I’m not that pathetic girl who literally loses all her dignity just to be with the man at the end of the story! My life is so much better than that! How dare you?” My friend’s reaction was priceless. She was like, “RELAX! Get your shit together, you crazy woman! Take a chill pill girl!”.
After that conversation I started thinking thoroughly about it. Suddenly it all made sense: my life was truly turning into a boring and cliché romantic comedy. I saw myself in the mirror and said to myself “Really girl? And you thought your life was so much better than this”. After a while I thought “Okay, let’s get real… something good can come out of all this”. I began remembering love memories from deep down in my past, and yes, most of them were not so great. Let’s be honest ladies and gentleman, who likes to remember and restore bad memories from the past? What’s in the past needs to stay in the past, right? We need to keep moving forward. I thought the same thing until I realized that when you open that door again sometimes it helps to restore your present, and so, your future in so many ways.
Chapter 2. Looking at the past for clues
Six years ago a man who I thought was the love of my life broke my heart. I was so sad and devastated that I turned into a girl that I have never thought I’d become. From being a little puppy, I turned into a wolf.
This transition happened in a series of phases:
PHASE 1: My depression turned me into a man-eater for almost a year.
PHASE 2: “I deserve no one. I’m a mess. Who the hell am I?” SHAME! SHAME ON ME!!
PHASE 3: “I forgive myself. I am better than this. I’m okay. I’m going to move on”.
PHASE 4: “Okay, I think I’m ready to love again. I’m going to look for the love of my life. I deserve better. I’m a woman on a mission!”
People, my life has been like this for the past six years: every time I meet a guy that I think is okay, it turns into the same fucking story, I’m not joking. I know you may think I’m pathetic, right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but after years of being alone we start to accept the love we think we deserve. We get used to being hurt because we end up dating those “good catches”, which eventually turn into bad breakups.
We get tired, we think that it’s all lost, that it can’t get any worse, that we are going to end up alone drinking a bottle of wine a day with our lonely best friend. But suddenly, when we have lost all hope, we finally meet someone special. We meet this incredible, wonderful, tall, handsome good guy with the most amazing eyes we have ever seen and who makes us feel like we are ourselves again. Sounds familiar? Well, it happened to me.
Chapter 3. The new guy
Finally, after all those terrible brakeups, all those “almost relationships”, I realized could have a real opportunity with a good guy. My friends were amazed because I seemed so happy. Honestly, at this point I had no fucking idea why, but I chose not to care. I just thought “All I know is that right now I want to enjoy this moment because, let’s be honest, there’s a high chance that something bad will happen. I don’t know for sure, but based on my past experience, I think it just might end badly”. So I sat back and enjoyed the ride. As you can imagine, things didn’t go that well.
Yesterday I was thinking about this “new guy”, and how he made me feel cherished when I needed it the most. I met this guy a few months ago and I don’t know how but I started to like him. After a while he said some things to me that made me feel special, happy. He talked about a future that I thought was going to be great for us. I was so excited about the idea that I totally forgot what could happen. Yeah, you know exactly what I’m talking about: falling for the idea is not the same as falling for reality. And reality was not as promising. You can imagine what happened next: one day, out of the blue, he gave me the “It’s not you, it’s me speech”. And here’s where the freaking cliché part of the romantic comedy called life takes place. This is the story I was telling my friend.
Chapter 4. The speech
“Girl, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know that I’m an idiot for not realizing what I have in front of me: a girl who likes me and worries about me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. Honestly, I’m not in a good place right now, and I can’t be with someone at the moment. I am not sure what I want. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME”
Here’s the thing: At first I did believe what he was saying. But then I was like, “You little piece of… whatever! If you weren’t sure since the beginning, then why the hell did you tell me all those things to begin with? So you could feel better about yourself? Were you heartbroken and I didn’t know? Was I a tool you needed at the moment so that when you felt fixed you could just put me back on in your toolbox? Just tell me the truth… did you feel anything at all?”
Funny, right? People are always saying that women are complicated until we meet this guy. I have this picture in my head asking him “What do you want?” and he just answers back with “It’s not that simple woman!”
Chapter 5. Let the games begin
This romantic comedy doesn’t end here, obviously. I bet there are women out there who can relate to what I’m about to say because many of us fall into the crazy vicious cycle of wanting and not wanting the guy back. So, like most positive, romantic – and yes – crazy as fuck women do, I LITERALLY LOST MY DIGNITY. First I deleted him from my phone, Facebook, and everywhere, but every time I got drunk I found a way to get in touch with him. I called him, texted him, and pretty much stalked him. I mean, when a woman’s on a mission no one can really stop her… so don’t even try to judge. Crazy women do crazy shit. Besides, I was holding on to the good things, the promises, and the moments of connection we shared together. I didn’t want to let go. Now that I look back at my behavior, I think “Poor guy… he had a crazy stalker all over him!”… Well, sorry not sorry. Shit happens when we fall for someone. I never thought I’d be all over him, like a freaking koala, but I was.
After making such a fool of myself, I tried not to talk to him for days, ignore him. I literally acted like he didn’t exist on earth. But this would only last so long. I got drunk one day and I just fell into the temptation. The same story all over again. But this last time something changed. I didn’t want him back, I just wanted the games to end. I texted him and I told him the truth: that I was sick of it, that I couldn’t ignore him, that I had been so childish acting like that. He answered back. But it was different, this time I didn’t care as much as other times. I just thought “Girl, you really have an issue! Leave this guy alone. Accept and respect the ‘It’s not you, it’s me speech’ he gave you. Maybe he is an asshole for letting you go, but at least he told you the truth, so don’t blame him for how you feel about him, because you decided to feel that way”. This time it wan’t about getting him back, it was about reclaiming myself after I got lost in the confusion.
One not so far away day, I decided to open up to him and say the truth about myself. I decided to act like a woman, not like a child. I decided to break a cycle… break a chain that had been haunting me for six years. For days I was angry, frustrated and annoyed and I would shut down anyone who wanted to talk to me. For days I was sad. I was grieving from another failure.
Chapter 6. The lesson
The point of all this story is that in a romantic comedy, we always see how we can get through all obstacles, and no matter how difficult they are, the girl always gets the guy at the end of the movie. People, if you haven’t noticed, in real life it normally doesn’t end that way. In my case, it took me six years to realize that in my romantic comedy, I had spent so much time and energy trying to find that guy, that in a way I simply lost myself. I spent six years supporting and pushing other people’s dreams – and by people I mean men – , that I forgot what my dreams were. I forgot what I really wanted for myself. I once told a very special person “Dude, I remember that one day I had dreams… and now I don’t remember what they were. I need to get them back and create new ones”. In that very moment I decided to save myself… because no one can save us but ourselves. This story was not about finding the guy at the end of a movie, it was was finding myself, falling in love with myself, and being happy with myself.
If you ask me how am I feeling right now, I must tell you I’m okay. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. But aren’t we all always working on our next mission?
Out there, there are still men and women who are looking for love, trying to find that amazing person that will love them above all. So this is what I learned: start by breaking those walls and you’ll be able to accept love for what it is. Love is so much better than pain. Trust me, I’m now proud of myself. I admire the fact that I’m doing this after all I’ve been trough. I’m being brave enough to take a leap of faith.