Life after infidelity

People hurt. All people fall. Sometimes you do it right, sometimes you do it wrong. In the end, all you have is life.

Pain. Sometimes we don’t understand it. We feel like it is killing us, aching in places we didn’t know we had. But we can’t learn without pain. Sometimes it is the pain we feel, sometimes it is the pain we cause, and sometimes it is the pain we feel because of the pain we caused. No one is perfect, and all of us have fragile times. We are HUMAN after all.

So when the case is the 3rd (the pain we feel and the pain we cause), we are left with one and only solution: look for the strength in us to forgive – forgive ourselves and forgive others… because forgiveness rises us above.

So as for me, I will look for the strength to forgive myself for what I did to you. For all the lies I surrounded myself with when I couldn’t face the truth. I will have to forgive myself for not being strong enough to let you go when I had to and for not being strong enough to face my own demons when I had to. I will have to forgive myself for trying when I didn’t have to try. For being stubborn and blinded by fear, thinking it was love.

In the end, I did what I swore myself I would never do: hurt you. I will have to learn to live with myself knowing that I broke my boyfriend’s and my best friend’s heart. And one day, I will find the strength to embrace my humanity and accept that I, like every human being, made a terrible mistake. A mistake that does not define me because I know, deep in my heart, that I am so much better than that. Even though I am having a hard time believing it right now.

I hope that when your pain is eased, and when your heart is healed, you will realize that too because I am so much more than this. I am not my mistakes, and I am not a bad person. I am a good girl who lost her sense in turbulent times and made an awful mistake. A mistake I will try to mend.

Then, I will have to forgive you. Forgive you for all the pain you put me through with your pride and your selfishness. I will forgive you for making me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I will forgive you for leaving me when I needed you the most. For ignoring my pain and pretending that you were listening. I know you, and I know you’re better than that, but you were too afraid to give in.

You could never let go. You needed to feel in control so you always made me feel replaceable like I wasn’t worth it. I really wanted to be that girl so bad – the one. I pushed myself harder, and harder, every single day for two entire years. I pushed, and pushed, and bared so much pain, cried so many tears, and spent so many sleepless nights because my heart kept telling me you were worth it. I pushed myself to the limit. I didn’t stop when I had to.

I didn’t realize when enough was enough, so I fell. I let fear and pain overcome me, and I did it. I didn’t plan it. I never expected it to happen until it did. And now I have a tormented conscience, a broken heart, regret, and a lost friend.

People say time heals and I am more than willing to believe it does. I know I will heal and I know you will heal too. Our lives will go on. Our unwritten story will eventually fade and we will only have our memories left. We will remember the moments we cherished the most, and they will follow us wherever we go because I know our love was real. Imperfect, yes, but real.

I don’t care if you think I don’t love you, and I don’t care if you think I am worthless. I know I am not. I was stupid, selfish and a coward. But I know I loved you every single day, with all my heart. The problem is I wasn’t able to love myself. As from now on, I will work on that.

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Being unfaithful sucks. As much as I tried not to, I would feel overwhelmed with excruciating shame. It took years to forgive myself.  One day I would feel strong and ready to move on, and the next day I would feel like the worst human being on earth. I was in so much pain. Shame kept me from being who I wanted to be (for years). I was never forgiven and I couldn’t stop hurting myself and hurting others.

I’ve been on both sides now. I’ve betrayed and I have known what it is like to be betrayed. This has helped me understand the importance of forgiveness. It takes time for the wounds to heal for both parties.

If you have ever lied or been lied to, I want to tell you this: the only way you will move on is if you forgive. It will not happen overnight, but when it happens, you will be finally free.

______

This is an old story, but reading my journal helped me reconnect with the feelings I had back then. We both moved on, we both loved again.

I wish you happiness and joy. I hope you have the life you always dreamed of. I know I will find what I am looking for. Thank you for what you gave me. Thank you for everything you taught me. I now know I might not LU2D, but IS2GM I really do wish you fulfill all your dreams.

 

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